So I bought my girls this lovely book earlier on in the school year.
It's been a really educational thing . . . for me.
First up was "Pascal's Pancakes".
Prior to this "cute idea" I had NEVER made pancakes from scratch.
But I use measuring cups 365 days a year. (For calorie counting.)
So things went along quite smoothly, until it was time for "the add-in of your choice." The book suggested grated apples, grated pears, blueberries, chocolate chips, or walnut bits. We didn't happen to have any of those items on hand on that particular evening. But it was "your choice" right? We did have mini M&Ms. That's almost the same thing as chocolate chips right? No. No it's not. Do you remember M&M's old saying: "Melt in your mouth, not in your hand." Well, just in case you were wondering, they melt in wet pancake batter too. Pretty soon it looked like we were making rainbow soup! Blah! THIS is the kind of thing that happens when I try to cook. It's always something. But super lucky for me, Pascal is a color changing chameleon! So really, I think our rainbow colored pancakes looked WAY more like "Pascal Pancakes" than those perfectly golden blueberry ones in the picture.
"Belle's Corn Chowder" went down without too much of a hiccup. We all managed to survive Sleeping Beauty's "Cozy Cottage Chicken Tenders" too. But that recipe did NOT call for "frozen chicken tenders from costco." We're talking RAW CHICKEN, egg mixture, cracker crumbs, the works. I'm not lying to you people when I say I don't cook. I NEVER cook raw chicken. Pre-washed & frozen pieces from costco, is about as close as I get. And even those go straight from the bag into the crock pot. I bought this book to help the girls learn how to cook. I didn't think about the fact that it would be super helpful if I learned how to cook first.
Next up was Tiana's "Southern Spoon Bread." Heavens to betsy. This recipe called for things like heating milk but not letting it boil. (In a sarcastic voice followed by an eye roll:) No room for error there. I can separate egg yolks, not gracefully, but I can do it. But for those southern cooks it's not enough just to separate them. You gotta do things like "beat them until they are foamy and stiff" and "gently fold them into the cornmeal mixture." !!!!! Any foam I managed to muster got completely annihilated by "gently folding." Shouldn't something that "needs" to be foamy, "need" to stay foamy??? Add that to all the other whisking and beating and combing that went into this recipe. So much work! For a pan of spoon bread. Life is short. Time is precious. That much time should not be spent on a side dish.
Lucky for us all, "Maximus's Carrot Dip" and "Mrs. Potts's Raspberry Tea" were both super easy.
But my next conundrum was Jasmine's "Tiger Fudge." Fudge is a candy. Candy making is an art. And more importantly than that it is a science. Even I know this. But this recipe said nothing about heating to a certain temperature or anything like that. So I thought this must not be "real" fudge and therefore easier. (Feel free to shake your head.) We won't even talk about how my "tiger stripes" ended up looking more like blobs. I don't claim to have any artistic ability. I have lots of other skills and abilities in life and am perfectly content with lacking in that area. But looks aside, my fudge would not "set." It would not harden. The directions said to "chill the fudge about 2 to 3 hours." At a sloshy 3 hours later I decided to leave it overnight. But it was still far from sliceable the next morning.
I admitted defeat and decided to turn this "fudge" into tiger striped ice cream and put the whole pan in the freezer. And would you believe that whatever miracle concoction I had created WILL NOT FREEZE!!! What?? I know I'm not a good cook, but this stuff is made out of chocolate chips and canned milk. WHY does that not freeze?!?!?!?!? I can muddle my way through understanding that milk doesn't set, but it freezes doesn't it? Doesn't it???
I've been puzzling over this for a few days now. Breaking it down step by step. Desperately trying to figure out where I went wrong. The recipe said absolutely NOTHING about heating it to a certain temperature or ANYTHING. Until recently, all I could come up with was that we used canned goat's milk instead of canned cows milk. (My love has to stay away from dairy.) But . . . since when does goats milk have magical unfreezable powers? Does it???
As I was processing this in my brain again today, (as if I have nothing else important to think about) I went over EACH ingredient. 1 can condensed milk, 1 bag white chocolate chips, 1 bag butterscotch chips, 1 tsp vanilla extract. That's all that's in this folks.
But here is my latest hypothesis. A friend of mine gave me some home made vanilla as a Christmas gift. That is what I used. Isn't vanilla made with some sort of alcohol?? And I'm vaguely remembering some science experiment that had to do with water mixed with alcohol froze at a different rate than just plain water. And don't people make home made "ice packs" for injuries, using some sort of alcohol so that it stays "plyable" and can conform to your injury? But it was only a teaspoon! How can that small amount ruin the whole pan?
All right all you scientist, cooks, goat farmers, and other people just generally more intelligent than I. What say you? What went wrong with my fudge???
I don't think it was the vanilla. I'd be happy to try the recipe w/ you again & see if we can make it work. :-)
ReplyDeleteThis post was so entertaining. Not at your expense, but because you write as you speak and I could see the hand gestures and hear the tone of your voice as I read and it was hilarious. I'm with Laura. I don't think it was the vanilla as I have made fudge multiple times with the same vanilla and never had a problem. I'm guessing it was either an issue with heat (the difference in the temp of the chocolate and the other ingredients, probably the milk) or the amount of fat in the goat's milk versus traditional milk.
ReplyDelete